I often consider making more frequent posts on this blog detailing my spiritual path, but I always end up deciding against it. For one thing, this is really deep and personal stuff, and the more people know about it, the more they can use it against me. I’ve made enemies -sometimes even gleefully so, as that’s just the kind of motherfucker I am- and the last thing I need is to post something like “right now I’m working on becoming a more patient person” and immediately have people go out of their way to piss me off to get in the way of my achieving that goal. Last year around this time I would’ve thought that was a paranoid and far-fetched thing to worry about, but now I think that it isn’t paranoid enough.
A second reason I don’t make these kinds of posts is that I keep thinking -who the hell would care? Writing is only enjoyable to consume when it’s been written for an audience. No one wants to read about my seemingly-endless struggles with finding reliable mental health care and tackling shadow work in between avoiding situations that will tempt me to act impulsive, reckless, and destructive. Sometimes it’s encouraging to see someone you look up to go through similar things to you -but anyone who looks up to me now will soon realize I’m not someone who should be looked up to, and I don’t think what I’m going through is relatable enough to be helpful to anyone. Most people I talk to have mental illness issues like anxiety and depression and low self-esteem. What could they learn from me writing about how I feel nothing at all and then am overwhelmed with a desire to break things and verbally tear people to shreds and otherwise burn down every beautiful thing I’ve ever seen or cared about or thought of? What could they gain from reading about how difficult it is for me to understand people’s feelings and give a shit about them, or about me struggling to reign in my pathological self-importance? I’m guessing not all that much.
Maybe I actually avoid writing about this stuff because facing your feelings is difficult, and I’ve become a master at hiding them. But I can’t delve much more into this topic until June, as per a gag order from a god I don’t actually worship or even always particularly like. You understand.
Maybe this is all just the depression talking (I’m pretty sure I’m finally out of Mania Season and into Depression Season, so huzzah for that) and I’m being dumb and self-pitying for refusing to even try to use the one thing I’m actually certain I’m gifted at. I honestly don’t know the particulars of why I’ve procrastinated doing this or whether I actually should begin doing it, but I’m tired of treading water and never actually getting anywhere. A few paragraphs about what I’m dealing with and thinking about every week or so can’t hurt.