MoWD, Days Twenty-One Through Twenty-Five

Weakness

Don’t get me fucking started. 

I’ve been bemoaning my own weakness since day one, whenever that actually was. In fact, you could easily argue that my weakness is the reasonfor our relationship, and on cynical/pissed off days like this one, I kinda believe it is. If it weren’t for my weakness, he wouldn’t have been able to get such a tight hold on me, way back when. I wouldn’t have agreed to work with him in a moment of lonely desperation. And, more than anything, were it not for all the times my weakness resulted in my getting my ass kicked (literally and metaphorically), I wouldn’t have developed the deep, constant, soul-rotting resentment at just about everything, which Set is so adept at exploiting in order to get his way. My weakness and desire to overcome it is a constant theme, to the point that it’s kind of hard to pin down where it begins and ends.

Set uses my weaknesses; sometimes for my long-term benefit, sometimes for his. Usually I can’t figure out which one it is, though I tend to decide it’s the latter.

And that’s about all I can write about this before I start just cussing and keysmashing. Why are these damn prompts so appropriate all of a sudden?


Strength

Set is probably sick of hearing me talk about strength, in any context. Truth be told I’m a little obsessed; even though I know it’s not entirely rational, some part of me thinks that if I was just a “stronger” person, most of my problems would go away. That, or they wouldn’t bother me anymore. He’s told me again and again that strength isn’t about being too tough to be hurt, but rather being resilient enough not to give up or back down when everything hurts. It’s about not taking the path of least resistance, but the path that’s going to get you where you want to go.

And yeah, I get that, alright? You have to get back up when you’ve been knocked down, etc. Whatever, I’ve heard it all before. It’s just, for once, I’d like to have the kind of strength that prevents me from being hurt, rather than the kind that means when I am hurt, I have to force myself to keep going without any help because I know there’s none on the way. I’d like the kind of strength that would keep me from being willing to resort to any manner of self-destructive behavior just to feel better, please and thank you. For once, I’d like to have the kind of strength that actually makes things easier. Or even better, the kind of strength that allows me to make things better for people around me.

I think Set is, in the long term, trying to help me develop that kind of strength. He has said, numerous times before, that he could tell I’m “hungry for it”, and that he was going to help me get it. But then, Set says a lot of things.


Blessings

When I personally hear the word “blessing”, I think of Bible stories where God has given so-and-so His blessing and that means everything goes awesomely for the follower in question -because, you know, divine help and all that. But the thing about that is, the God of the Bible is the God of everything. The whole universe. He doesn’t have a particular “area of expertise”, if you will; everything is within his sphere of influence. That’s a little too vague to really be helpful in a polytheistic context. So, for this particular conversation, my own understanding of the word is moot.

The definition of ‘blessing’ is: “1. the act or words of one that blesses. 2. approval; encouragement. 3. a thing conducive to happiness or welfare.”
Well, Set does generally encourage me, but I’m not sure about ‘approval’, that’s more of a case-by-case deal. To say that Set is, or gives me, “a thing conducive to happiness or welfare” is…a stretch, to be honest. But, I can see it, if I squint. I was young and confused and in a really bad place when all of this started, and now it looks like things are gonna be okay, for the most part. That’s thanks in part to Set -even if it is in a weird, backwards, somewhat perverse way. From here, it’s totally possible that I can find some way to get my hands on some happiness and/or welfare, you know, one of these days.

And besides, as I’ve said before: despite all the headaches, I kinda like having Set around. He makes life a little more interesting.


Comfort

It’s something of a meme in the kemetic fandom that Set isn’t any good at comforting people when they’re upset. Personally I think he intentionally shuts the whole ‘sympathy’ thing down as much as possible, because that’s the only way he can really do his job. Or maybe he just isn’t a very sympathetic guy. Either way, when he finds himself in the position of being the one a crying person goes to for help, he kind of…pulls a blank. It’s kind of funny, once you aren’t upset anymore -how awkward he gets and the dumb shit he says, trying to make up for it. One particular gem was when I was crying and told him “this is pathetic” and he was like “Well…yeah.” Thanks, BR.

When it comes to “comfort” as a noun, Set doesn’t seem to think much of it in general. He once told me that he wanted to “spoil me”, but when I asked him when he was going to actually do it he acted like I was out of my mind: “can’t have you getting soft on me”. I get the impression he sees comfort as a luxury to be indulged in only when necessary to your health -any more, and you run the risk of becoming accustomed to that comfort, and therefore reliant on it. I guess I see his point, to an extent, but I’m not necessarily happy about it. Honestly, what would be so wrong with me getting a little softer? It’s not like my life involves anything that necessitates me being “hard”, anyways. But, it’s not important.


Knowledge

I think it’s fair to say I’ve gained a lot of knowledge from Set, and as a result of working with him. The new perspective I have on the universe and spirituality is almost too much to say, but I guess that kind of goes without saying when one enters the Pagan-O-Sphere.

On a more personal note, Set has taught me a lot of things I didn’t necessarilywant to learn. I’ve learned hate and terror and I’ve learned who I really am when I’m pushed to my limit. I’ve also learned perseverance, forgiveness, tolerance, and courage. If it wasn’t for Set I probably wouldn’t have been aware of my own ‘darkness’, either.

I’m not really sure he’s a god that emphasizes knowledge, but I definitely feel wiser than when all this started. If that knowledge comes with a certain cynicism, well, I guess it is what it is.

Advertisements

#kemetic