MoWD, Days Six Through Ten

Light

“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

I hate to be so unoriginal, but when thinking of Set and the prompt “light”, this poem stands out so vividly in my mind that I can’t leave it out. (Also we may or may not be having an argument at the moment so I don’t wanna write a big long thing anyways.) While Set is commonly seen as something of a ‘dark’ deity, on occasions the force that would seem to be opposing the light, to me, he also represents the survival instinct; looking up at insurmountable odds and saying “fuck you, I’m not quitting”. Not to mention how he literally defends all of existence against A/poop every night.

Set himself may not be “light”, but he is very much light’s ally.


Dark

 

For me, Set is to darkness as living is to breathing: it’s possible to try separating the two, but it doesn’t last very long.

I initially met Set when he slowly crawled out of the darkness in my mind and announced he was here to stay. I, like most people, had been taught that the darkness was to be feared and hated and so you’d better believe I scratched and clawed and screeched the whole way as he dragged me further and further into the shadows that hid my demons and the parts of me that I didn’t know existed. He didn’t just force me to fight and defeat those things; he forced me -is still forcing me- to acknowledge and accept those things as my weaknesses and strengths that are as much a part of me as the things about myself that I don’t fear or hate.

For a long time, he pushed me down -away from the lofty ideals of universal love and pacifism and Ultimate Good that is my original religion’s bread and butter, closer to the base fury and resentment and desires that I learned to rely on day-to-day. I called it torture at the time, but it was really just survival, the only instinct, the only drive you’re left with when you can’t see your hand in front of your face and everywhere around you are menacing sounds and monsters breathing down you neck. In that darkness and in the changes it made in me, I started to see things about Set that I admired and coveted: Strength. Power. Courage. Resilience. A kind of brutal honesty and grotesque optimism and sheer gall to think you can have anything you want if you’re willing to make a grab at it -and hell, even if you can’t get your hands on it, at least give ‘em hell trying.

Set introduced me to all of the things that were hidden in the darkness, the vices and virtues, truths and deceptions –without requiring me to forsake the gifts of the light (which was a relief, since I kind of have a pre-existing loyalty and it would be a shame if he’d given me an ultimatum). And, little by little, he’s teaching me to use them. For better or worse.


Hope

I literally have no idea what to write for this prompt, probably because none of this has ever been what I hoped for or wanted, and it doesn’t look like things are going to be turning around anytime soon.The best thing I can come up with is a list of things I hope happen in the future, but that’s hardly a devotional topic.

Sooo, this one’s a big fat idk on my end.


Faith

I don’t actually put my faith in Set. Faith is a very powerful and sacred thing to me and it’s one thing I’m not willing to give him; it all belongs to a different God. Set’s involvement with my faith is primarily using it to convince me to do things.

Faith isn’t really his division, in other words.


Soul

Set and I have had some lengthy talks about my soul; specifically, about the damage done to it. I don’t want to think of myself as ‘damaged’; but Set has never been too concerned with what I want. I’m also not sure I’m qualified to talk about his soul, because I’m never quite sure that whatever version of himself he’s showing me isn’t fabricated somehow.

It’s frustrating because I have a gut feeling that I might have something significant to say for this prompt, but I dont have enough understanding or context for what’s going on to be able to articulate any of my experiences.


A Side Note

So you all know that “Month of Written Devotion” thing that’s going around? The prompt for tomorrow -“beginning”- had me a little stumped. ‘Beginning’ of…what? I decided to ask Set what he’d like me to write about, and he surprised me by suggesting, “the beginning of our *romantic* relationship”.

I made a face because for one thing, is that really anyone else’s business? And for another thing, talking about how all this started isn’t exactly going to paint Set in a positive light. In fact, deep down I’m a little paranoid that people are going to judge me for ultimately choosing to honor him, or are going to tell me that it couldn’t have happened and I’m being disrespectful or a liar or whatever. (Not that that’s ever happened to me in this community before, but you know.) This is supposed to be a devotional activity for him. Shouldn’t I be focusing on talking about the good things, or something?

And he went, “where did you get that idea?”

Long story short, he isn’t interested in my censoring myself or my experiences to make things seem nicer than they are/were. Apparently, writing about the things he did that hurt me or infuriated me is as valuable a devotion to him as my talking about the cool stuff he’s done or my positive deity feels in general (not that I often post deity feels anyways; it makes me vaguely uncomfortable…which was part of why I wanted to do this whole month of devotion thing in the first place. :/ ).

In summation, I’m kind of confused and apprehensive about this. It’s gonna involve writing about something I had decided never to even talk about, and then posting it on the internet for strangers to read. But then, isn’t that also why I wanted to do this? So I could contribute my thoughts and experiences to the community, even if they aren’t particularly pleasant?

Idk, man. I just dk.

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