No matter how stupid I know that thought is, I can’t seem to quit thinking it. ‘It’s not fair’, even though life has never been fair -and there’s never been a shortage of people willing to inform me of the fact, either. ‘I don’t deserve this’, even though what I do and don’t deserve has never been a factor in what happens. I know that fairness has nothing to do with this, I’ve known it for years, and yet I still find myself thinking that stupid, whiny, childish protest: “This isn’t fair.”
I guess the reason behind the recurring thought is that it being a stupid and whiny thing to say doesn’t make it any less true. It isn’t fair that I accidentally got the attention of forces beyond me that I had been taught to fear, it isn’t fair that they took advantage of my youth and pain and ignorance and got me to agree to something I didn’t understand while I was in a psychotic state of mind. It’s not fair that they ‘claim’ parts of me, make me equate things I love with them so that I’ll have to deprive myself of joys that are my natural right if I ever want to be rid of them.
It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fucking fair- and the worst part is, even as I think it, I know it doesn’t matter. It isn’t going to stop me. No matter how unjust and painful all this might get, I’m not quitting, because for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I’m working toward a goal, even if I don’t know what it is. I feel like, even though I may not have a precise destiny, I have something waiting for me that will be meaningful beyond the general “get into a good college make a lot of money” bullshit that I never really aspired to.
Part of me knows that life was never meant to imitate those action/adventure fiction books I grew up reading. Part of me knows that life doesn’t have a nice, neat climax, with lovable characters, a moral to the story, a happy (or at least poetically just) ending. Part of me knows that the best thing you can really get from this life is comfort, and by making a decision to keep me from comfort, I’m making the biggest ass of myself.
The other part of me is insisting that no matter what I do, life is going to suck in some way. At least this way, it’s sucking in a way that many would say is spectacular.