“I write, not only to be understood, but to understand.”

I have no idea where that quote originally comes from. The thing is, it fits. I’ve been a writer for as long as I’ve been able to hold a pencil. Seriously, one day my first grade teacher noticed that I loved to tell long, rambling stories, so she gave me a pencil and a notebook and told me to start writing, and I haven’t stopped since. Even when I wasn’t writing a story, I was keeping journals, talking about shit like wishing my dad was home and who tattled on me that day. I’ve grown up using words to  make sense of things, of the world around me and myself.

Anyways, that’s the reason I’m making this blog. Other times I’ve considered having a blog, I ended up wondering, “why? It’s just journaling, except it goes on public record from now until the internet crashes.” (How goes it, NSA? Yeah, I’m fine. So, how’s running an Orwellian police state going for you? Bet it’s stressful!) I figured, I would have to constantly censor myself, not wanting to make anything too personal become public. There was nothing that I would blog about that I couldn’t just as well keep to myself.

The thing is, I’ve found something that contradicts that. I always write to make sense of the world, but this is one aspect of my life where scribbling in my little notebooks about my own thoughts doesn’t help make sense of a damn thingI’ve already tried just journaling about it, trying to keep everything to myself and do this on my own. You know what I got out of it? A couple mental breakdowns and two years of going through the same problems over and over, incessantly, like a hamster on a wheel. Maybe I had to run on that wheel for so long before I could get tired enough to consider trying something else. Or, maybe I could’ve avoided all this horseshit and done this a couple years ago if I weren’t so damn stubborn. Who knows? The point is, if I’m going to understand what’s been happening, in my life and in my head, I have to admit I can’t do this on my own.

So, this brings me to my blog title “Reluctant ChristoPagan”. This blog is going to consist of me ranting, whining, and otherwise talking to myself about the fact that there is more to this universe than I knew and I don’t know how to handle it. In other words, it’s my attempts to reconcile the Christian beliefs that I was raised in and still hold near and dear to my heart, with the pagan (specifically kemetic) reality that I can’t deny anymore. I mean, my ability to deny things right in front of me has served me pretty well the last few years, but the other day I had a dissociative episode whilst trying to convince myself that none of this was real. So I kind of figure, it might be time to change my perspective a little.

I don’t really expect anyone else to read this. Sure, I’ll put a link to it on my tumblr, but really, who cares what I have to say, right? I just learned what the word “heka” means two hours ago. It’s not like I really have that much to offer the community. That said, I’m still going to write this because this is the only way I know how to deal with shit like this. It’s as good a way to cope as anything else I can come up with.